13 posts tagged “family”
In his final years he wasn't a happy man. He had lived a life increasingly full of alcohol, lost his son to alcohol and watched my grandmother succumb to dementia (most likely brought on from years of alcohol) before she died a few years ago. He stopped liking people. He was grumpy, angry and crabby all the time. He pushed away many people in his life with the terrible negativity that had grown around him.
He wasn't always like that. In my younger years it was easier to hide the negative effects of alcohol from the grandchildren. In truth, he was one of the reasons why I feel like I had such a happy childhood.
There are so many things I remember about him. He loved to bake and a birthday cake from him was a treat. He and my grandmother made incredible candy at Christmas every year. They had a big house on the edge of a canyon overlooking the Snake River in the tiny town of Burley, ID. Every summer we would go down there for a month or so. I looked forward to the summers for that reason...it felt so magical to go visit them. The sunsets there were incredible. So was the garden, the Russian olive trees, the massive lawn that eventually when we were old enough we had to help them mow. Papa had a riding lawnmower to do most of the lawn but there were hilly parts that we had to help with the push mowers. For years my little brother begged Papa to let him ride on the lawn mower. He thought that was the best thing in the world. In the house they had a wonderful fireplace in the family room downstairs, with a huge hearth that became our stage. We put on countless plays there for relatives every summer. In the basement was his pool table, where I learned to play pool both correctly and incorrectly.
He loved animals and there were always cats and dogs in his life. When I was little it was Penelope, a huge St. Bernard. I've never seen a live one since then...they're such big dogs that I don't think many keep them as pets. He let me name one of the kittens that his cat had one year. I named it Little Paw. They kept the kitty and he used to write me letters and send me pictures of the cat as it got bigger.
I collected stamps with him. Sheets of stamps, first day covers, 14k gold stamps. A few years ago he gave them all to me...it was the one thing I hoped I would be able to keep from him and he knew it. We used to go fishing a lot. I remember one time I sat my ass down on an ant nest of fire ants. I think, despite my pain, I convinced him not to throw me in the lake fully clothed. I never wanted to put the worm on or take fish off the hook (or watch him clean the fish, which he did right after we caught them). He was ok with that. He just liked having us around.
He wrote me letters all the time when I was little. I loved getting his letters. I loved hearing about Burley and the cats and dogs, and all the goodies that he was baking. I loved dreaming about going back to visit them.
As we got older and more jaded, and more aware of the pain that their alcohol abuse had inflicted on my mother and her siblings during their life, much of that lustre wore off. I did keep in touch with him over the years and after my grandmother died and he was sober, living alone with his little dog in the empty house, I tried to call him every week if I could. I'm the only grandchild that even bothered, mostly because had pushed everyone away. We would talk about things he remembered, about World War II, about selling insurance at Prudential (I still have these funny round TUITS that they used to give out as a marketing gimmick), about politics (he loved Hillary, which shocked me, but couldn't stand Obama because he was black, sigh), about things I remembered growing up.
I hope that he's in a place where that self-inflicted pain and loneliness is gone. Where he is full of the memories of good things, and good times with the people that he loved.
I love you Papa.
Stolen from Niki.
Things I’ve Done are bold
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain (sort of)
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie 9
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (Do Campfire Mints count?)
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (I'm looking at my stuffed poochie as I write this)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job (laid off)
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House (I've been to the back gate, does that count?)
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life (multiple times actually)
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
Because I have been for weeks and for months. Finally I can breathe a sigh of relief. Sanity won out. Hatred, racism and stupidity can take a back seat. It may take women a little while to recover from the setback and to be taken seriously again, but at least now it won't be four years of mistrust and disbelief we'll have to wade through.
Still, I feel sad, sad that there was such division in the country. Division in my own family even. I've been branded and judged by my own mother as godless because I voted for a black man, because I believe that the government should not be able to tell me (or anyone) what they can or cannot do with their own body, because I believe global warming is happening and we need to fix it, because I believe in gun control and because I believe that we need to have separation of church and state within our government. This is a melting pot of faiths and skin colors and we need to find that middle ground, to find peace with each other, to be able to give and show respect to our neighbors. We have to find ways to help each other, to take care of each other, to rebuild the mess that we're in. You know, all those things that Jesus would probably want for us. Sigh. Hypocrisy and zealotry go far too hand in hand most of the time and this election brought out the worst in America. And finally, the best.
I feel exhausted today. Wiped out from such elation, tears and emotion.
Watching Harry Smith on the Early Show this AM talking about how he grew up in a household where racial epithets were common and how he wept tears of joy last night during Obama's speech.
As so many of us did--and might still be. It feels good to have hope again.
I've always been more emotional than I would like. I feel intensely. Well, everything in my life tends to be on an intense level so it goes hand in hand. My happy is enough to make me tear up with the beauty and wonder of it all. My sad is like an everflowing fountain. I wish that sometimes I could turn these intensities off, but as I've aged I have realized that in many ways I'm lucky. I am thankful. I care (maybe too much sometimes) I am moved. I am full of love for the people in my life. So if the downside is a lot of extra tears that make me feel exhausted the next day, well so be it.
Things that make me cry:
- various family situations like my brother crying when I leave (then I cry), giving a talk at my in-law's 50th anniversary party about how wonderful they are, my sister when she was dealing with her crappy now-ex husband, etc.
- Good good good books. Most recently reading a book of one of my writing colleagues about a child growing up after her unborn sister and her father die within two weeks of her sixth birthday. Oh my I bawled, alone (Joe has been up in VT for work) at midnight all over my Kindle.
- Dr. Who episodes have made me cry lately. Poor lonely doctor! All the women in his life have to leave him!
- Other shows make me cry. Battlestar Galactica. Sex in the City. Anything with sappy wrenching relationship issues make me bawl like a baby. Love stories. Unrequited love. Lost love. Hell, the movie Titanic flattened me...not because it was particularly good but because of the wrenching, the losing, the depth of connection ripped away. The English Patient--god I can barely watch it it just wrecks me so much.
- Feeling inadequate or unwanted/needed makes me cry. This may happen more often than people who know me might guess. Stupid, but true.
- Phone conversations with old friends, reminiscing about various events. Sometimes I feel so moved that I know
people, such incredible, wonderful people, that I'm moved to tears.
- the fact that if I only pay the minimum (which is a crapload of $$ let me tell you) on my student loans, I won't be finished until I am 65. Kid you not. And I owe FAR LESS than most students graduating today.
- Sometimes watching moving sporting events or award ceremonies...speeches at the Academy Awards, etc. I can't help but feeling intensely when I see other people feeling intensely.
- Thinking about how my Romeo is getting old. He's 14 in October. I know that cats can live to 18-20 now but he's starting to behave differently. Nothing dramatic, just more old cat, like how he doesn't run for his cat treats as quickly or energetically as he used to. He's my closest, dearest friend who has been with me for pretty much my entire adult life. I can't bear the thought of being without him. If I even think about it, like now, I start bawling like a baby.
- My jobs have made me cry. In better ways now than in my youth (god, I've had some horrific bosses who have made me cry) but for me it all boils down to the connections I have with people. I want to excel. I want to succeed. Mostly now that is the case, but when I fail it does hit me hard. But more often than not, it's when people I have become connected to leave my immediate sphere. Or when I am the one that leaves. When I left my last job, which was, truly, one of the best jobs with one of the best bosses (who also recently left the company) that I have ever had, I shed many tears. I did some cool things with that company but more importantly, I did them because I had the chance to work with wonderful people who helped me and gave me opportunities in which to best help them.
Gah, that's enough for now. How much crying do you think I should do??
Thank you so much for all the well wishes, thoughts, good vibes and prayers. I feel so blessed to have so many friends that care enough to take the time to wish him well and to send me notes of support. It was a really rough weekend for me emotionally. But the good news is that he came out of surgery this afternoon and while not yet awake, he's doing well. It wasn't a quintuple bypass though, but a six-way, which is sort of terrifying when I think of how close he probably was to having a fatal heart-attack.
He'll be in ICU for a few days...probably not going home in three days like he was determined to do so. But finally I can breathe a sigh of relief and maybe, for the first time in three days, I'll actually get some sleep.
I know a little bit more. The surgery will probably happen on Monday. He hasn't had a heart attack but was having all sorts of pains in his arms from blockages--5 of them. The doctors say his heart is very strong but they need to get rid of the blockages or he probably will have a heart attack. He is angry because they are keeping him in the hospital and not letting him do anything. "I could be at home watching TV or working on the computer and doing the same activity," he grumps. But I'm glad they are keeping him there because he wouldn't just "do nothing" at home. He turned 64 just two weeks ago.
I marvel at my mom (who will probably read this at some point). She knows I'm a wreck, and so is my brother and sister, and she is appearing to be the pillar of strength at the moment, about how the doctors do this all the time now and it will be fine and don't worry about coming home, he'll be fine. I know her though, and she's not really the pillar of strength, but I'm glad she seems like it right now because I sure as hell know I'm not.
Thank you all so much for your well wishes and thoughts. It means a lot to me right now.
please keep my father in your positive thoughts and prayers as he undergoes quintuple bypass surgery at some point in the next few days.
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Joe and I opened presents last night so we don't have to lug them to his parents when we go for Christmas. He got me
He also snagged me a wonderful handmade felt hat that I've been eyeing for awhile. It's a pretty red with really cute flowers along the side. Funky and cute and now I REALLY need some snow.
I got him all 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which he has been wanting for a couple years now. OMG there is so much TV in our future!
Romeo got a catnip mouse. He's very happy about that.
More gifts awaiting us when we get to Joe's parents. They already got us a really nice wine fridge that we promptly filled. I know that Rosie also picked up the terrine dish that we really wanted too. Lots of great terrines and pates in our future. You'll be dying to come over for dinner. :)
Best of all though is that the next few days will be filled with family. The older I get the more that means to me. I really look forward to Christmas Eve when Joe's parents open up their home all evening and friends and family just pop in for lasagna, calamari, tripe (they're Italian...I can't eat the stuff but that's ok), cheeses, sweets and lots of free flowing wine.
I hope that all of you have a very happy holiday season! I'll catch up with everyone next week!
Show us a happy memory.
Submitted by Liz.
For today's wintry song, I give you Sarah Mclachlan's "River."
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